How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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