Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
