Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
