You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
