There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
