I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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