she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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