I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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