I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
