I got chris browned last night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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