Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
