how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
