Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
