His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
