We won't sleep together?
Umm I'm too high to move.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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