I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
