everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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