1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
