two words...techno handjob
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
