That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
