mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I want to be your penis for a week.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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