The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm like, not good at living.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
