Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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