my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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