when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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