god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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