All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
