I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
