I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I queefed so loud it echoed.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
