when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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