She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
