last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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