I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He better not be in your backpack
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.