He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
