there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
