I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
