if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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