the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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