I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
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Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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