I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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