when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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