My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
