I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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