I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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