i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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