A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
