At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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