I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
