Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Randomize
