Need sex. Gaining weight.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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