my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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