I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
