God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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