I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
