apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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