When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
