I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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