Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
