Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
