Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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