On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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