I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Someone came in the potted fern
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
